


Heavy in Your Arms

by deftone



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Other, Romantic Angst, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 11:24:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20674589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deftone/pseuds/deftone
Summary: "His hands were scarred from murder and yet you trusted them completely, more than anything."





	Heavy in Your Arms

**Author's Note:**

> This is some sort of an AU in which the apprentice actually worked as a healer at the coliseum at first. I've crushed my heart writing this so I pray it's going to be good. Thank you for your time!

Everything was so loud that after every fight, the noise was echoing inside his head even if the act of violence was over. His whole body was not aching because of the well-known exhaustion or the constant severe injuries, but because of the sharp regret and guilt that were torturing him more than any sharp blade, heavy chain or ruthless hit. For the sake of his only one friend, Asra, he had to endure this over and over again and never dare to complain.

_'He said that he'd hurt Asra if I didn't work for him. So I hurt everyone to keep him safe._'

As Muriel stepped into the light, at the start of every sick show in the coliseum, he would remind himself those phrases, repeating them even during the fight.

Blood and sport, entertainment for many people of Vesuvia, naive enough not to see how sadistic and rotten everything was.

If he could only mute the cheering from the coliseum at least for a day. He wanted peace, the sound of nature over the disgusting screeches that were begging for more brutality, more critical hits, more victims. He wanted to disappear and not be remembered for his deeds, not be remembered at all. After every long day, all that Muriel wanted was to be left alone in silence where he could not hurt anyone, being his only wish. Even if the only place where he could hide after every fight was an underground cell with bad lightning, he would sit on the ground with his back against a cold humid wall and listen to the sound of his own tears hitting the ground. It was all that he could do, taking some moments of his own silence to think about the ones he killed that day without wanting it. 

Nothing was going to last, not even the apparent peace from the underground halls of the coliseum where the cells were located. It was all disturbed when you finally appeared.

As a healer of the court, you were put in charge of the area of the coliseum, moreover, to take care of Lucio's champion. There were not many healers that wanted to work there because of the risk but the principle that everyone deserved healing, even _him_, brought you there.

The only difficulty was that he never wanted you or your help.

Daily, you tried to run as fast as your feet could through the halls and secret rooms of the coliseum to where the fighters rest after the murderous show. As you reached his cell, the door would always close before your eyes, because of him. Being so close but so far away to reaching him and always losing the chance to help was frustrating, unfair. It burned your composure down bit by bit. Stubbornness had you waiting for him, leaning against his door until you were forced to leave the cells of the coliseum at night.

Even if no word was exchanged between you two ever, Muriel knew all that you were trying to do. He knew how you always struggled to reach him, but he still never accepted your help. He knew how you followed him every time after a match and never let you get closer. Seeing how you were running after him to help confused him and irritated him. Who would want to get in touch with a ruin? Who would care about a murderer?

“_I saw today’s match, I’m glad that you’re safe but I would feel better to see you and make sure that you really are safe._” Those were some usual lost words when you waited against his door, seated on the ground, for something that could not happen.

You stole the calmness from the only place where he could find such thing as a gladiator and it bothered him more than you thought.

“_Maybe one day you’ll let me in._” You’d always say, pulling your knees up to your chest. “_We_ _could talk, I could take care of you properly._”

Insistence, constant knocking on his door, your voice when you begged him to let you help, those were the elements that were being present each day. With each day of this ritual, Muriel gradually started to get closer to that door to the point in which he would also sit on the ground, back against the same door and listening to your voice, never responding.

“_I know that you don’t want to do this…_” You said in a more whispered voice when the guards faded temporary from the area of the cells. Carefully, you repeated that phrase every day since you discovered that truth.

You always watched him from afar during every duel, ignoring all of the rumors about him that were floating around those who watched him because of clear reasons that were visible to you. His face never showed any pleasure for another's suffering, his moves were always hesitant, and he never started the fight. In the end, when he turned his back to the crowd in order to return to his cell, the face behind his long strands of hair was a pained one, full of sorrow, while his chest was moving erratically because of the heavy breathing and anxiousness. He never wanted to do it, but only you observed it and since that moment, you decided to try and reach him harder, analyze him more.

Seeing him so often, your mind never stopped to reach new realizations. Muriel’s hair was long enough to cover his face, messy enough to indicate that he was slowly forgetting about his well-being. The metal collar and chains were the burden of a prisoner, a possession. Those were so heavy that it made him think how if there ever will be a chance to make them disappear, he will not be capable of slow or gentle moves of his hands anymore. His right arm was encased in an armor, cursed with the resemblance of the one Count Lucio had. With this, the Count only wanted to associate the strength of his fighter with him. The strongest color from what Muriel was dressed with was a brutal red that stole the attention from other colors such as the calm green from his eyes, the shade that was capturing a whole forest. Each element that could show his true self was hidden, creating one perfect weapon for Lucio to use, and no one deserved this.

How could so many people enjoy his pain so much? How could they not see the truth? Those simple questions were able to make anger overflow from you at the start of each duel when the spectators were screaming in joy and excitement.

Now, after another day and another round, he was carrying himself into the narrow dark tunnels towards his cell and you were running after him, just as always. Following the clinging sound of his heavy chains you wanted to shout for him to stop and wait. Unfortunately, your lips were sealed in this case, not knowing his name and not going to accept the thought of calling him how everyone did. _'Scrooge of the South_' disgusted you. Everyone from inside the court affirmed that he was a brutal man, but they never heard of anyone being hurt after the show. That was because he was always isolating himself, keeping himself away from everyone so that he could not make more victims, but again, only one person could see this.

All of these thoughts pushed you further, made you run faster, reaching the opened cell door. Stopping in front of that door, where he was standing, you were breathing heavily while watching his intense stare, feeling so relieved and lucky that you finally caught him. The gladiator looked at you closely for some moments in which you tried to catch your breath so that you could talk.

“I found you.” You said still breathlessly smiling softly to him.

That was the only smile that looked pure and was offered to him since he has become a gladiator.

It was the first time you saw his eyes closely. The green shade was warm, clear, calm while looking at you. Muriel realized that he stopped in his tracks for too much time.

“Forget this ever happened, go heal someone else who really needs it. Leave and forget me.” He said before closing the door with a slam.

He did not have any right to be healed or taken care of after what he did. He was hurting people, you were healing them, it was impossible for him to do that to someone like you, to let you get closer to his blood stained hands.

…

With the sudden death of the Count, the coliseum died as well, becoming a ruin after a long time in which it should have been destroyed. Time passed and somehow, Muriel finally reached the silence he was wishing on. Even if things changed, some remained the same as a memory of who he was. Those were heavy reminders of who he was in the past, one around his neck and two around his wrists along with other scars and flashbacks.

Days were full of activities in the nature, able to wash away the times in which he was forced into something he never wanted. Muriel was not missing a thing from the coliseum, except for one act that happened on the daily basis. He did not want to admit that he had questions about your actions.

What evoked the thought of you was an innocent dream he had in which your face could be seen again. Waking up from that dream or memory, he was drenched in sweat, breathing heavily and thinking about how you probably disappeared in an excruciating way just like the other workers from the coliseum. There are myths about the ones who you dream of that are saying how those persons are subconsciously missed by you. Muriel did not believe in anything like that.

Of course, no one can be sure of myths.

Unexpectedly, in one rainy night, a memory was waiting for him, knocking on his door.

Already frowning at the thought of some unknown visitors, Muriel sighed and opened the door just to see who was it, without the intention of letting strangers in or even talking to them. His breathing stopped, his mouth dropped open slightly, his eyes were wide and his mind was trying to understand.

“I found you.”

If only you were a nameless ghost he could banish and not one of his fears. Unknowingly, you were not any of those in reality. You were the most gentle shadow of his past. Hearing your words and seeing you again made his stomach fold inside out and his head spin. It has been so long since he has not seen the relieved expression from your face and suddenly, Muriel knew exactly how many years past. Five years of change in his life in which the way you looked at him now was the same as from the past. Only the pressure of his lungs reminded him to breathe again.

He could not forget your persistence but could you forget his frustrating declines?

Muriel's grip on the wooden door of his hut tightened. It could be so easy to let you go again the exact way he did in the past, with a slam of a door in front of you, but he was too stunned to move and unsure if he truly wanted to do that once again.

“No.” He said as a reassurance for himself and a way of convincing you that you did not know him at all. “You have to go, now.” Worry that you could remember him made Muriel doubt the spell and its effects even more.

Swallowing hard when he was asking himself why was he so hesitant, Muriel averted his eyes from your face when he saw you wanted to protest.

“I can't, please listen. I got lost into the woods and you were the only one around here.” You explained everything rapidly watching the man curiously, asking yourself why he looked so shocked. “Please, do you think you can help me?” You asked before catching your breath.

From all the times in which you were asking him to let you help behind a closed door at the coliseum, now you were asking for _his_ help.

No. you were asking _a stranger_ for help.

Something intangible in him did not want to close that door anymore. You could not remember him, it seemed, and you needed help, those were the only reasons that convinced him to let you in.

“It's dangerous out there at this hour...” He said, already doubting his decision, moving away from the door. “But tomorrow, you're gone.” His voice sounded guttural for some reason.

Those words were not a requirement, obligation, or favor. It was just something he knew it would happen, it was just to remind him that eventually, everyone leaves him.

Remembering your burning wish to help him, made Muriel want to return the favor at least once. However, once was enough for you to want to come back frequently.

After that night, you returned to thank him properly and after that, you kept on showing up the next few days under some well thought pretext. Something was drawing you closer to him from the beginning, it was a feeling that you could not explain. It made you curious to find out why by yourself.

The hut was a blossoming place. Surrounded by flowers stuck into a healthy soil, rays of sunshine that were warming the inside of the hut along with a fire. Getting used to the slightly bitter but pleasant smell of freshly cut wood was a bliss. The murmuring sound of the river that was close to the hut was soft enough to never wake him up in the morning. Your presence from time to time almost felt natural in that place but intruding in the same time.

Some people keep happy moments in the form of memories, in their minds and lock them until there comes a time in which they want to reach the feeling from when they were happy again, fantasize about it. What did Muriel have as real peaceful moments? Before he let you in that night, it was when he found Inanna and that was all. Now, Muriel had to admit that he gathered some other memories you offered him.

Even the moment when you exchanged names was a calming memory. Watching you lay down on the ground in the forest, between forget-me-not flowers, smiling at him and inviting him next to you was another one. Helping him find wood for the fire, or cooking with him and even the times in which you'd accidentally fall asleep next to Inanna. 

Muriel hated how he connected your presence with the symbol of the coliseum initially, when you never gave him the agitation of that place from his past. Guilt was starting to tie around him when he saw you smile at him unknowingly of who was the one standing in front of you.

That guilt made concentrating on usual tasks almost impossible. It dug up the past and threw it in his face.

That was not the only thing that grew stronger. As the guilt was pushing him closer to the point of telling you everything, your perception got faster to the finish line. The odd feeling you had when you saw the broken chains from around his neck and wrists was getting bolder. So strong that one day, the inevitable happened.

It all came back to you in full force like a frontal hit. The man that you found when you got lost in the forest was the man you tried to reach so many times.

You looked at him in shock and silence. Muriel was taking care of the fire from the hut, his back facing you. Looking at his scared back and shoulders, you finally remembered how each scar was created in the past, being more worried about the scars from his heart.

The echoing sound of your fists banging against his door in the coliseum filled your head now.

“Muriel.” You softly called his name, ending that terrible sound from your head. Even when you only called his name, it was so hard to understand what he was feeling exactly. This time he knew what he was feeling because of the tremble from your voice. Fear and anticipation. A part of him knew why your voice sounded so broken but the other part of him did not want to accept it. “I know you. From before...” You tried to explain, being washed by the wave of flashbacks.

The day he was most afraid of was finally here and even if he was planning it in his mind, he was now unprepared and watching you tremble in place because of him.

As you stepped closer, Muriel's posture changed immediately, backing up and making his chair fall in the process, the sound making Inanna wake up from her slumber. Day by day, Muriel tried to tell you about his past but seeing how peaceful everything was going, delaying the truth every time seemed to be better even if he was never proud of that. It was a mistake not telling you, letting hesitation devour his motivation. Now, you found out alone and nothing will make you stay. He was sure of it. He lost, once again being his fault.

“Now you finally have the best reason to leave. Staying here would only do harm to you.” He said not believing in his own words, screaming on the inside for you not to listen to what he was saying.

His deep voice was always calm when he was not letting you go but now when he had to, his voice was dead. The eyes that were embracing the whole forest in his irises were now at the bay of tears, burning.

All of the people he met along the way were scared of him, his past, face, height, scars. But not you, not at the coliseum and not even now in his hut when he wanted to be left alone again for the sake of your safety. Now, when it was logical for you to leave, you had no intention of proceeding to do so.

“I don't need any reason because I don't want to leave. Why do you want me to go so badly?” You closed your eyes in a frown remembering how hurt he is.

Muriel looked away as well and Inanna whined while tugging onto the ragged material of his trousers with her teeth. She then looked at you desperately and back at him, repeating her tries to make him stop pushing you away. Muriel looked at her and sighed. Inanna was the one to always scold him for not letting you closer but as much as he was attached to his familiar, Muriel thought how she does not understand the whole story.

“I never truly wanted you to leave.” Muriel admitted without even breathing during that phrase. “But someone like you should be protected, appreciated.” The last word was a low growl, thinking about how he never got to tell you or show you how much he appreciated you or how much he started to depend on your presence. “What you found, was never what you needed.” He explained referring to himself and the words you told him when you reached him, twice.

He turned his back, taking a seat on the ground in front of the fireplace, watching it closely. Muriel never really experienced what true warmth felt like before you. You brought that warmth where everything felt cold, and he did barley anything. Even if at first, he had no idea of how to handle it, Muriel let some unseen scars heal. Blaming himself for not showing you how special you were to him was now his current activity.

“That is exactly what you do now, can't you see?” As much as you did not like to raise your tone, you had to at that moment, trying to make sure he understood what you were desperately trying to say between tears. “I'm always so happy to come here and see you, help you with the chickens, play with Inanna, feel special, wanted, finally.” Your breath hitched with the last words.

What Muriel wanted more than anything was for you to never get hurt by him. You both saw in the past what he was capable of doing and in his mind, fear was transforming the possibility of hurting you seem true even if it was a lie. Along flashbacks at night with the screams of his innocent opponents, something more disturbing appeared. It sometimes terrified him to the point of refusing to sleep, being scared to close his eyes the next night.

“I wanted to protect you from myself.” He insisted, repeating, this time his tired eyes being directed to you with no hesitation.

His voice was always calm but not now, when all of his fears reached him, it was trembling. His eyes were always locking down hope when looking at you secretly.

“Is that why you never accepted my help in the past?” You asked even if it was all clear, recalling each time he tried to keep the distance and every word making sense.

No answer came from him after this. Muriel hid his now watery eyes with strands of hair that covered his face and sit down in front of the fire, in silence. He tried to deal with what he was feeling now alone, in silence, just like he always did when he was alone.

Inanna looked at you with big gloomy eyes while resting her nose on her paws, her ears being back.

You stepped closer to Muriel, knelt in front of him and embraced him with your whole body without saying anything yet. Muriel froze at the feeling of you clinging to him so tightly. He never really wanted you to go away from him. Not even when he was in that cursed place and you were chasing him. Muriel was feeling so heavy in your arms because of all that self-condamnation. His hands were hovering over your body without touching you. Being held by you was always feeling so fulfilling but not deserved by him.

“Tell me, how am I supposed to leave the one that makes me feel more than just safe and appreciated?” You asked in a whisper, burying your face in his hair.

You shut your eyes tightly and stayed there, holding him, feeling his heart beating hard against his rib cage. Your chest was pressed against his, heart racing as well in the proximity of his. He could not escape you and he did not want to.

Living his life on the principle that he is a burden did not let him ever want something from someone but now he wanted you, your words, presence, affection. He wanted to ask you what will happen if this want of his will transform into need, scared that he will depend on you.

You slowly pulled away from him to press your lips against his forehead while your hands traveled to the sides of his warm face.

With that, his hands finally dared to touch your skin, arms around your body pulling you closer. Seeing how he was capable to be as gentle as he wanted, Muriel buried his face in your neck, breathing in, eyes closed. Unexpectedly, he finally felt how letting go was not about forgetting, it was all about learning to move on, accepting what was happening to him.

“Thank you.” He said still not being satisfied with his own words but embracing you tighter.

Muriel kept his eyes opened, thinking how he was ready to thank you in a more effective way. If he was never good at expressing things with his words, he was ready to let his gestures speak to you and confess. His right hand gently pushed your hair behind your ear while his eyes were fixated on your lips. You froze when you realized his intention and waited patiently. You both stayed like that for some moments in which his face got slowly closer to yours, eyes looking back up at yours for consent and again at your lips. None of you knew whose heart was beating louder and harder.

You smiled softly at him and closed your eyes, thinking how he will understand that it is alright. His left hand found yours and caught it tight while locking your lips with his for the first time. He was so gentle in the kiss as if your lips were only flower petals that could bend.

Muriel felt how his soul was finally home. That place was found in time on your shoulders, where he was always laying his head on. Your shoulders that carried his suffering to the end of the line, started to carry Muriel's love after.

Your stubbornness was powerful enough to push you closer to him, closer than you ever expected. His hands were scarred from murder and yet you trusted them completely, more than anything.

Muriel learned every day how soft souls have the chance to see themselves in the mirror of the soul of someone else and how the past can be erased with help. He learned to believe in change and steps took forward.

_If two people cannot stay apart, they are not meant to be apart._


End file.
